How Do You Cultivate Communication?

1/25/2024

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Do your kids talk to you? Not just the passing words of greetings or grunts of affirmation when you pass each other in the kitchen. Do your kids talk to you, really talk to you?

While heading to pick up our daughter from school, something we haven't done much lately, a strange awareness of the passing of time was felt. Ever since our son got his drivers license, he has been the primary mode of transportation to and from school. That has freed us up from driving, unless we need our second vehicle; then we drop off or pick up. Minus a short window of a time where our older boys rode a school bus, we ever always driven or walked our kids to and from school. We loved doing that. We loved having that time with them in the car. That time in the car became a sweet time to talk and be with our kids.

This recent drive to the school stirred the thought of how we talk with our kids, which led to this question, "How do you cultivate communication with your kids?"

Too often, we hear the comment that kids and parents don't talk; don't communicate with each other. There might be the hello and goodbye when passing, or the occasional question when one needs to have permission to do something, but what about real conversation?

As youth workers, we've always desired open communication with our kids. Hearing from parents and students that communication is hard, we set out to create space where our kids felt comfortable talking with us. And not just filling us in with what's happening at school, but comfortable to talk about relationships, struggles, friends, teachers, and anything else that they might want to talk about. For us, we would much rather they come to us with their questions, emotions, and curiosities. So we determined to create an atmosphere where communication was welcomed and encouraged.

We told our kids that we wanted them to feel like they could talk to us about anything. Having worked with students, there wasn't much that we haven't heard, discussed, or counseled. Nothing they said would surprise or shock us. In a way, working with students helped to prepare us for the adolescent years.

So we set out, both with our words and our actions, to create a space where our kids felt like they could come to us with whatever topic or issue they had. Here's what we did.

Say it and say it again...

Before we were anywhere near the teenage years, we made it a point to talk to our kids. In the car, at the dinner table, before bed, when building LEGOs; communication was important. We would remind them over and over again that they could talk to us, that we loved them and we wanted them to know that we were a safe place for them. As they grew we continued to remind them how important it is to talk. As they stepped into their teenage years, we said it would be better that they share things with us rather than we finding out from someone else. That meant both the good things and not so good things. We told them that they could come to us no matter what. We wanted them to hear from us, over and over, so they knew they could come to us.

Have a Planned Response...

Do you know how you will respond to your kids when they come to you? It's a bit of an ambiguous question. How do you know how you will respond when you don't know what you're responding to, right? But you can.

As a youth worker, Jay told his students that if they ever needed anything, he would be there, no matter what. And in the moment, no questions asked, he would show up, then the situation would be discussed later. We decided to apply that to how we raised our kids. We wanted them to know that they could call on us, come to us, and we would be available, no matter what, no questions asked. Then we would circle back after everyone has had a chance to recover. The point was to be there for them in the minute without the fear of how we would respond.

When we did get together to talk, we practiced the art of listening; we gave them the chance to tell us what was happened. Our response then is one that comes from a desire to guide and lead our kids instead of hammering them with what they might have done wrong and any punishments that might follow. Our goal in raising our kids is/was to help them grow and mature, to think through their actions and reactions, to be able to make healthy decisions, and to learn from their mistakes. This is your planned response, not a heavy hand and condemnation that stifles their growth, but to navigate the situation so they are learning and maturing. A planned response is just that, taking a moment to respond to our kids with a calm wisdom and grace that allows for a healthy, appropriate respond.

Nurture Spaces and Times for Kids to talk...

Once you make the commitment to cultivate communication with your kids, the work of nurturing spaces and times for your kids to talk is your next step. By this we mean creating rhythms within your family time where your kids know they can talk and share with you. This is designating times and places where everyone knows, "Hey, I can talk about this here." For us this was the dinner hour, around the table. It was in the car, driving to and from the school. On road trips to visit family or for vacation. It was at bedtime, decompressing after a long day. It was on the sofa after a tough day at school. For each of these examples, we have established that this is a safe place or a familiar time where our kids can talk. Dinner was a time to tell stories, be funny, laugh, and talk about our day. Bedtime was a sweet time to wrap up the day and look forward to the next day.

Think of a time or times within your family rhythms that offer the opportunity to talk and share as a family. Consider the drive time to and from school or to and from the grocery store as a time to turn down the radio and have a conversation. Use bedtime as a chance to talk about the highs and lows of the day. And as we build these times and spaces, not only are we showing them that it's safe to talk with you, but you're creating the invitation that you are approachable whenever they need to talk with you.

Two tools or Practices to master...

One of the best tools we have, thanks to Amy, is the Question. Amy is the Queen of Questions. She has mastered the art of asking questions that get our kids talking. If you want your kids to talk, especially as teenagers, you have to learn to ask the right questions. These are open questions that require more than 'Yes' or 'No' answers. Come up with a handful of leading questions to have on hand. As you ask your questions and be ready with a few follow up questions.

The second tool, or practice really, is Listening. Learning the practice of listening is super important. You want your kids to know that your communication goes both ways. If you want your kids to hear and listen to you, your counsel, your encouragement; you have to show them that you are listening to them. Practice the skill of listening. Hearing your kids builds trust and tells your kids that what they have to say matters. As they become adults, that trust keeps the door open for future conversations.

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We are blessed to have the relationships with our kids where they know they can talk. And we are blessed that we can talk with our kids. As our kids become young adults, having them reach out or call, and share with us what's happening in their lives. And call they do.

Being able to talk with your kids, your spouse, is a skill that you will want to have in your toolbox as a parent or spouse. Work together to cultivate communication with your kids.

What about you? What do you do to cultivate communication with your kids? Share your practices and helps in the comments below.