What Pastor's Wives Want You to Know

We are just like you.

We've spent a lot of time in different churches. We've been the pastors family and the youth pastors family.  In many ways both of these positions come with unfair expectations and as the wife, I'd love to share some thoughts about that.

First, while we know we've been called to serve God full time, it is not fair to think that we can live life perfectly.  We don't have perfect kids, because we aren't perfect. We don't always know how to train and discipline them. We are doing our best to follow God's example but we are flawed people and so are our kids. Please don't place them on pedestals of perfection. They are learning to follow Christ just as we are. They will make plenty of mistakes, as you and I do. They need to see love and grace from you as well as their Savior.

We aren't always ok with making whatever salary is presented. We have dreams of going on amazing vacations and building our dream homes too. We want to see our kids enjoying sports and activities and hanging out with their friends. Yet, too often we watch as the people in our congregation do these things. Sometime the way we get to “travel and see the world” is through mission trips, often with a whole mess of students. No, that’s not a vacation. And while in the corporate world it's acceptable to ask for more salary and go for bigger positions, in ministry pastors are seen as greedy for doing that. We agree to lesser salaries (especially in Youth Ministry). And while we know ultimately that God will supply all of our needs, it doesn't mean we don't long to have more than our needs met, just like you.

We don't handle life's curveballs perfectly. We have to walk through the stages of grief and loss just like you do. That's scary and uncertain for us too. Yet somehow we're expected to get over it faster and "trust God will work it for His good". While we do believe that, it's not always easy to live that out joyfully among trials.  We need grace and mercy, love and friendship just like you do.  Life changes of any kind,(moving, loss, financial strain) are not easy for us either.

We are often placed in communities without our families. We haven’t lived near our families since we were married. Yet, we watch as families in the church gather for the holidays, and have big joyful celebrations. Meanwhile, most pastors end up working most holidays, unable to travel home, leaving us to celebrate alone. We've been called to live in your communities and want to be a part of your lives, so don’t be afraid to invite us in or give us time to go home.

When we are called to serve a different congregation it's not because we don't love the one we're in. In fact for us, it's been quite the opposite every time. We have loved deeply and are saddened to leave the family God has called us to serve. It takes time to adjust and it always amazes us how quickly we are forgotten by those congregations.  No matter how long we serve and love, remember that our love was real and it hurts when we have to move on and we're accused of a slew of untrue reasons for why we left.  

It's not ok to tell us criticisms about our spouse and how they perform their job. You see we are doing our best to love them well and we are fully aware of their flaws (we live with them!).  We don't need you to point out anymore. You don't need to be the "Holy Spirit" to them, they often are their own worst critics and we as their spouses aren't far behind. Instead, pray for them and look for ways to encourage and build them up. I promise, they will be more effective if they feel supported and encouraged rather then constantly criticized.

Our goal is to serve and love you well. Keep in mind that we are average people called by God to do His work. We have feelings and needs just like you. Please be sensitive to that and know that we are doing the best we can, just like you.

​- amy

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Hi we're Jay & Amy, and we've been married for 19 years and are super blessed to be busy raising our 5 kids; 4 boys and 1 girl! We juggle the adventures of life and ministry and share what we are learning as it relates to marriage, family, raising kids, serving in the church, and chasing after Jesus. Raising a family is hard work, especially in today's culture. But our hope is to encourage you and your family, as we live for the glory of God.

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