A couple of days ago, Jay and I filmed a vlog about how we are processing the loss of the baby. (You can watch the vlog here; Dealing with Grief and Loss.) It has been an emotional roller coaster and I know that I’m not processing it well. There are moments when I feel like I am good, then I have moments when I feel sad and frustrated. I want to be that faithful follower of Jesus who completely trusts in His Sovereign plan. And while I do trust, it doesn't relieve the pain, frustration, anger, and loss. For me this isn't just about losing the baby, it's also about closing the door to a time in my life that I truly cherished.
I loved being home with my kids while they were babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers. And while I’d still love to have them home, I know that going to school each day is part of growing up. It’s this season in their lives where they begin to grow independent of me and learn to navigate life on their own. But for Jay and I, we find ourselves entering a new season. My dream is, and always has been, to stay home and care for my husband, children and the needs of our home. I believe it is my calling. And while I firmly believe that that hasn't changed, I do find myself at a crossroads of uncertainty. What am I supposed to do now? Am I to join the likes of moms who have entered the workplace and help my husband provide for our family? Am I to be creative and find some way to help provide while I'm still at home? Or am I simply to wait for God's timing to reveal what’s next? See that's the hard part for me. Waiting.
Am I simply to wait for God's timing to reveal what’s next?
See that's the hard part for me. Waiting.
Yep, I admit it! I think, "How can he possibly understand what I'm going through?" His body hasn't changed with all of these pregnancies. He doesn't have to deal with hormones all over the place. Sure, he’s changed jobs a few times, but his daily routine hasn't changed all that much. What does he really know
But he is wise in the Lord. He knows God is faithful. He has faith that truly can move mountains. Last week as I was pouring out to him my frustrations of feeling like we were being punished, he asked me what I was reading in God’s word. I told him, “Well, I'm going through Job with my daily reading". He said, “Amy, you need to stop that for now and read something like 1 John and be reminded of how much God loves you.” Really? I thought it was ok to read any part of God's Word, as it’s always applicable. While I truly believe that, I also believe that we need to be aware of the state of our heart and adjust. You see, I was feeling so negative and sad and deserted by God, I needed to bathe myself in His words of love for me. And I needed to follow my husband’s lead and wisdom in my dark place.
So how am I processing this?
So how am I processing this?
I'm battling! I’m battling the lies that I've been believing with the TRUTH of God's amazing love for me that is found richly through His Word. I'm also reaching out, being honest with myself, and sharing how hard all of this has been. I'm asking for prayer from sweet friends, and I'm leaning on the strength and wisdom of my husband as he follows Christ. I know of God's faithfulness. I have seen it again and again all through my life. But in dark times, it's very easy to believe that God has left us and doesn't care. That's simply not the TRUTH. We, as followers of Christ, are called to believe. So today, I’m buckling up my belt of truth and resting in the promises that God is in control, even in this new season of our lives. - amy ![]()
Hi we're Jay & Amy, and we've been married for 19 years and are super blessed to be busy raising our 5 kids; 4 boys and 1 girl! We juggle the adventures of life and ministry and share what we are learning as it relates to marriage, family, raising kids, serving in the church, and chasing after Jesus. Raising a family is hard work, especially in today's culture. But our hope is to encourage you and your family, as we live for the glory of God.
1 Comment
Allison
1/29/2016 05:11:11 pm
I love you my precious, strong, sweet and godly friend! I know how you have been struggling but your willingness to be honest and share these struggles with others is so touching and powerful. The power behind truth can heal. I know you will heal - in God's time - and you will likely continue to struggle with the loss and the inevitable action that comes as you enter a new phase. Thanks for the reminder that sometimes we need to go elsewhere in God's word for healing and support...that we don''t need to punish ourselves anymore than is our nature to do, but in God's word we find healing, grace, patience, peace and strength to face all uncertainties with the promise that He is always faithful.
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