Rethinking Dating with a Larger Family

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Talk to just about any Christian marriage counselor, speaker, or voice of a family-focused ministry and you will hear them say, "Date your spouse." Read just about any marriage book, or marriage focused devotional and again you will come across the verbage, "Date your spouse." And it's a great idea. We get the reasons and philosophy behind those words. Husbands and wives need to be intentionally working on their relationship, and the date night is one of the ways they often suggest as a tool to do that.

But whenever we listen to someone speaking about setting aside regular time to date your spouse, we always feel like we fail in this area. We hear them say things like, 'set aside one or two nights a month,' or 'plan a getaway weekend every couple of months,' or 'you should set aside one night each week to check in and spend time together." And that's great. We love and support those kinds of encouragement, because we would love to do that very thing. But the reality is, with five kids and two jobs, making plans for a regular weekly date night is incredibly difficult. In a larger family nothing is regular.

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Whenever we listen to someone speaking about setting aside regular time to date your wife, we always feel like we fail in this area.

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We don't know about you, but we look forward to the time when we can go out to dinner together on a regular basis. We dream of the day when we can slip away for a romantic weekend. And we can't wait for the season of life when we can just sit down at the end of the day and enjoy being in each others company. However, this is not that season and there is no slipping away anytime in the near future. So while we value the idea and need for the "Date" night, how do you do it while treading water in the ocean of family busyness?

Dating your spouse can be a tough. The dinners out, movie nights, or weekend getaways, are a little more challenging to make happen. But don't give up on the idea. Instead, get a little creative. Dating your spouse doesn't have to be something you do only at night. Date her during the day.
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​Take your spouse to lunch. Go for a drive. Go grocery shopping. Catch a matinee. Go for a walk in a local park. Share in the yard work together. Paint a room in your house. Binge watch a favorite TV program. (More ideas on creative dates coming soon in a future post.)

Now we get that not every one has the flexibility in their job or schedule to take their spouse out to lunch or spend a day together, but hear us out. With a little bit of creative planning, you can enjoy a day with your spouse.

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If you have freedom to meet your spouse somewhere for lunch, you should definitely take advantage of the flexibility. Plan to meet at a local restaurant during the lunch hour. It's a great way to break up your day and spend time with your wife. And, if you are in a career where lunch meetings are "part of the job," having lunch with your spouse is a great way to avoid the jealousy of you always eating in restaurants. (Wifes, especially busy moms don't always get the opportunities to have good food and conversation with other adults. So this could be a big win for both of you.)

If you don't have the freedom to go out to lunch, schedule 'a come in for lunch.' For a while, Jay worked a job that gave me only a 30 minute lunch break. On top of that, he wasn't able to go out, or away from the workplace. In this situation do lunch a little differently. On a number of occasions Amy brought Jay lunch and we shared it in our car. Yeah, it might not be the best way to do it, but it worked.

The freedom in how you do dating is there for you. Whatever your situation, why not try to schedule a couple mid-day dates with your spouse. Whether you meet at a restaurant, pack a lunch, run errands or head home for a bit, discover the value and gift in the mid-day dating. It really is a great alternative to the busy schedules that prevent the traditional night out date. The point is, be intentional in spending time with your spouse. 

- jay & amy

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