Making Time to build a stronger marriage

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Kids, work, calendars, careers, commitments, community activities, sports, chores; the list goes on and on. Out of 24 hours in a day, it feels like 20 of them are booked with something to do. Sometimes, no matter how hard we might try to not be so overly scheduled, it simply creeps in. Maintaining balance is difficult and sometimes nearly impossible.

​We've had our share of busy seasons. Week on week on week of activities, appointments, sporting events, and work commitments. But in the midst of the busyness, we have come to learn that making time too reconnect is something we can't afford to do without.

​We have a pretty good relationship. It's not always easy and we haven't mastered everything yet, but what we realize is just how important it is that we spend time together. We are convinced that part of our success as husband and wife comes from our commitment to make sure we connect in very intentional ways.

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​When we were a very young couple, the months we spent engaged and the early months that followed as newly weds, it was impressed upon us that we needed to commit to making time for one another. Now you might think, "Well, as newly weds, spending time together is a no brainer." And yes, that might be true. But the commitment goes beyond learning to live together as husband and wife. That commitment is the foundation that leads to a habit of using our time wisely; taking control of our lives, our time, and our marriage before the busyness of life takes over.

We think there are a few things that couples must strive for as they think about their relationship and the longevity of their marriage. ​

A Deep Spiritual Relationship
​that Cultivates Spiritual Growth

​We believe, very deeply, that a life without Jesus is not life, it's just walking through death to death. Jesus Christ came, lived and died that we might have LIFE (John 10:10). The enemy is bent on destroying the human soul and he would love nothing more but to see marriages crushed and destroyed because husbands and wives allow the busyness of life to separate and break their union.

But a couple who commits to making God their center, their focus; is a couple who takes a stand against what the evil one sets out to destroy. We have worked to keep God at the center of our marriage. For us, He is the foundation for everything; our faith, our marriage, our family, our hopes, our dreams, our future. It all rests on Him! Through prayer, reading and studying the Bible, and through worship we seek to know Him more; to live for Him and not ourselves, to bring Him glory and honor. Sometimes our focus is individual as we work on our own relationships with God through personal quiet times, prayer, and study. And sometimes it's as a couple as we pray together, read a book together, attend a conference or worship together. But either way, our goal is to share in a relationship that allows for spiritual growth.

A Commitment to Talk AND Listen

Communication is crucial in any relationship. It's one of the most talked about, perhaps the most written about topic. To have a strong relationship, one must have strong communications skills. No way is this more true than in the marriage. It is absolutely vital that a husband and wife be committed to talking with one another. And notice that we said, WITH, not to or at one another. Communication isn't simply talking about what happened at work or at home, or who's picking up after soccer practice, or what's happening in so-and-so marriage. Good communication is talking and listening, and it happens when both the husband and the wife are willing to truly talk and listen to each other.

With 27 years of marriage now behind us, some of our favorite times together comes from when we can sit and really talk about what's going on in our lives, our family, our careers, and our marriage. We talk about what God is teaching us, individually and as a couple. We talk about how our kids are growing up and how we see them maturing. We talk about our dreams, our hopes, our ambitions, and our desires. We talk about our hurts, our struggles, our challenges, and weaknesses. We talk about our calendars, upcoming obligations and commitments, activities, trips, and gatherings. We talk about how we would like to impact those around us with the love of Jesus through our ministry and our connection with neighbors.

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But it's not all talking. You see, you have to listen too. Marriage isn't just about what you want or what you what to say. It's about what your spouse wants and has to say. Learning to listen to your spouse is a skill that both must learn and master. When we learn to listen, we discover the heart, hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, and desires of our spouse. These are special treasures; gifts that provide us as husband and wife with real opportunities to share and express our love. Take the time to learn how to listen, as much as you want to talk.

A Passionate Sex Life

​Now some may not like talking about their sex life, but sex was created for marriage. God in His perfection created sex to be a expression of love and intimacy between a husband and wife. We believer the sexual relationship between husband and wife can have a significant impact on the marital covenant. A healthy, appropriate, biblical sex life can be a huge blessing to the marriage offering satisfaction, joy, passion, and pleasure. While the lack of an active sex life can lead to frustration, disappointment, resentment, longing, and temptation.

Busy schedules can significant hinder and hurt the sexual activity in a marriage. It's easy to wear yourself out with careers,  chores, shuttling kids,  and managing the multitude of social commitments. We're up early and out late. We fill every minute from sun up to sun down with to do lists. And in all of this we miss the opportunity for sex because were too exhausted or too busy. Friends, this is dangerous!!

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We were created to have sex. And as husbands and wives, in committed marriages, we should be having sex. A LOT OF SEX! GREAT SEX! PASSIONATE, INTENSE SEX! Sex with your spouse should be a priority. If you want a great marriage, a healthy, make sure your are making sex part of it. 

​(We have a lot more to say about sex and marriage, so watch for future posts on this topic.)

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As you navigate through the busyness of life as husband and wife, you must recognize the need to spend time with one another. Not just sitting on the sofa watching TV together, but intentional time spent knowing God, talking and listening, and enjoying the beautiful intimacy of a passionate sex life. After all, when was the last time you sat down with your wife to really do an of those three things you just read about? We promise, if you stop and make the time both you, and your spouse will benefit from it in ways you may never have imagined.

So what are you doing tonight? Why not find out where your spouse is in the house. Go to them. Convince them to stop whatever they're doing. And take them some place where it's just the two of you. Ask them if they think you are spending enough time together. And then suggest you set aside some time each week to pray and read/study God's Word, to talk and listen, and to maybe heat up things in the bedroom. You might be surprised at their response.

One word of caution. Husbands, don't start with the more sex card. And wives, ease into the talking and listening. You see, more sex by itself doesn't make a marriage stronger, neither does more talking.  It's only out of a willingness to surrender to God's lead in your life that you will see God strengthen your marriage and your relationship with your spouse. 

​- jay & amy

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