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We were recently asked a question that has stayed with us: “What is the biggest risk factor to kids in this generation that is leaning or turning them away from God?”

It’s a big question—one that deserves more than a quick, simple response. The temptation is to immediately point to culture, technology, or “the world today,” but we think wisdom requires us to pause, reflect, and respond with both truth and humility.

As we've thought about this question, two foundational realities continue to come into focus.

This may be the most important—and most freeing—truth for parents and caregivers to acknowledge: we are not the authors of our children’s faith stories. God is.

Scripture reminds us that God is the One who draws hearts, transforms lives, and sustains faith. Our kids’ relationship with Him is ultimately His work, not ours to manufacture or control. That doesn’t mean our role is insignificant—far from it—but it does mean we are not sovereign over outcomes.

At baptism (or dedication), we make a sacred promise: to raise our children in the faith, to teach them God’s Word, to model a life of following Jesus, and to place them in environments where faith can grow. We are faithful stewards, not ultimate decision-makers.

Recognizing this truth guards us from two dangerous extremes: crushing ourselves with guilt when our kids struggle, or trying to control them out of fear. Trusting God with their story allows us to lead with faith instead of panic.

While we aren’t in control of our kids’ faith journey, we do play a meaningful role in shaping the environment they grow up in. And some of the greatest risk factors today are not subtle.

One major risk factor is unfiltered access to technology—cell phones, the internet, social media, and the lack of supervision that often comes with them.

Our kids are being formed every day by what they consume. Social media disciples them in values, identity, comparison, sexuality, success, and worth—often in ways that directly contradict the gospel. Without guidance, accountability, and boundaries, we are handing powerful tools to young hearts that are still learning discernment.

Technology itself isn’t the enemy, but unchecked and unshepherded access can slowly shape beliefs and behaviors long before we realize it. If we are intentional about sports schedules, school choices, and bedtime routines, we must be equally intentional about digital formation.

Another significant risk factor is allowing our feelings to direct our decisions instead of grounding our lives in the Word of God.

​We live in a culture that elevates emotion as ultimate truth: If it feels right, it must be right. When feelings become the primary authority, truth becomes flexible, and faith becomes fragile. Our kids notice when we say one thing about God but live another based on comfort, convenience, or cultural pressure.
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When parents and leaders prioritize peacekeeping over truth, affirmation over discipleship, or personal comfort over obedience, kids learn that faith is optional when it becomes costly.

We model a faith that is authentic, anchored, and humble.

We admit when we don’t have all the answers, but we show our kids where we go to find truth. We set loving boundaries around technology, not out of fear, but out of wisdom. We allow God’s Word—not our emotions or the loudest cultural voices—to be the foundation on which we stand.

And above all, we trust God. We pray relentlessly. We stay present. We keep showing up.

The greatest risk factor may not be any single influence, but the quiet drift that happens when we stop being intentional. The greatest hope, however, remains unchanged: God is faithful, He is at work, and He loves our kids even more than we do.

jay & amy

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Parenting in Real Life: The Wins

In episode three we talk about celebrating the parenting wins in family life. From defining a win to sharing some of our most memorable moments and family wins. Jay and Amy sit down and share stories from the Higham House. Pull a chair up to the table, and join us for Gathered in the Higham House.

Do you have questions about family, parenting, marriage, ministry or faith? We'd love to hear them! Send us your questions and be a part of the conversation! Click here to submit your questions: The Podcast.

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It's Fall in West Virginia, which means crisp, cold days, falling leaves, and sweatshirts and sweaters. But we've been experiencing some beautifully warm days this past week and I am soaking it up.  In years past, I was blessed to be able to take morning runs with my sweet dog on one of the local trails in our community.  It was a season of life when all five kids in school all day. It was the perfect time to be in God's creation while getting in a little exercise. I would put my headphones in, find a good Bible-teaching podcast to listen to, leash up our dog, and away I went.

On one such outing, I started paying attention to my surroundings and the season we are in. Lots of leaves were on the trail leaving just a little color left on some of the trees. I started to think about the seasons and how each one has a beauty of its own. Then my mind wandered to how each season of our lives also has a beauty all its own. In some ways I couldn't wait for the season where all 5 were in school all day, and yet part of me dreaded it.  I loved having little ones at home with me all day. Yes, there were many challenges along the way, but for the most part I truly cherished it. At different points, Jay and I discussed and prayed about employment outside of the home, and there were seasons where I did work, both in and out of the house. But this particular season, we decided I had enough work to do to keep our home running. So we will continued to make the sacrifices and live on one income. 

I remember struggling with the reality that my kids weren't little anymore. It was also a time of transition, leaving a church where I had grown to love the people we served dearly, and quite frankly, the pain of having to say goodbye. But as I ran, looking at the rolling green hills and the fall colors still left on the trees, I felt God’s presence and peace fell upon me.

​I remember thinking, 'soon the trees will be bare and brown, and we will wait for snow to brighten up what’s become dingy and dead.' It was in this moment that I was reminded of the life that comes out of God’s love for His children. As God continues to shape me, I am more and more aware of His presence and peace during tough times. While it may look like things around me are dying, He is preparing to bring new life from within my circumstances.

The same is true as we go through season of change in our family. The kids get older. They grow up. And before you know it, they are all young adults, beginning to live their own lives. Every day that are little more independent. And while it's hard, we have to learn to let them go.

I remember God nudging my heart, telling me to enjoy the life that is around me and the new season He is bringing me into. I had to learn to watch as His hand created something new and exciting out of something that was seemingly lifeless and dull. Only a loving Creator can do that.

In Ecclesiastes 3:11, we read, “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” And it is in His time, not ours. Today, I am continuing to learn to be thankful that my Heavenly Father chooses to take the time to show me His love over and over again; a Father who gently reminds me through His Word and His creation.

Sometimes we have to go through seasons where we watch things come to end. But praise God, that He brings beauty and life even out of death.

​- amy

Today's post was edited and adapted from it's original post by Amy in November of 2015. We were in a season of transition and change, and leaning into God's faithfulness was incredibly helpful. We continue to experience seasons of change. Even now, with adult children, we are learning how to transition to a new era of parenting. Thank goodness, God doesn't change.

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We have been blessed to have the privilege of raising up 5 kids. Our oldest was born in 1998. Our youngest, 2008. We have loved raising our kids. Every aspect, from holding them as babies, to watching them learn to walk and talk, to starting school, to graduating high school. Everything. Every bit of every minute of raising our kids. We love it.

But not too many years ago, our oldest crossed over into adulthood. Shortly after that, No.2. More recently No.4 turned 18. That's 4 of the 5, now adults. The oldest lives on his own, has a great job, and is doing well. No.2, is married, has a great job, has 2 kids, and he and his wife are doing great. No.3 also has a really good job, has an amazing puppy, and is building his life. No.4 is 18, just graduated from high school, is preparing for college, and is excited about the future. And just so we're not leaving anyone out, No.5 will soon turn 16, and is doing great in high school.

The point is, we have moved from a place of raising little kids to now doing life with our adult (or almost adult) kids! The difference? With little kids, you are the parent. You're the on in control. With adult kids, you are just the parent. Adult kids like to make their own decisions, choose for themselves, and live how they want to live. With little kids you are the smart one; you have all the answers. Your stories are interesting and funny. Your counsel and advice is needed. With adult kids, they're the smart ones. They have all the answers. Your stories are just that, stories. And your counsel and advice...it's unsolicited, unwanted, and often unwelcome.

So what do you do? You still want to to encourage and counsel, you still want what's best for them. But how do you parent when your adult kids no longer welcome your parenting?

​As parents we might ask questions such as...

• My child's choices are breaking my heart--where did I go wrong?
• Is it OK to give advice to my grown child?
• What's the difference between enabling and helping?
• What boundaries should I have if my child moves back home?
• What do I do when my child doesn't seem to be maturing into adulthood?
• How do I relate to my grown child's significant other?
• What does it mean to have healthy financial boundaries?
• How can I support my grown children when I don't support their values?

In his book, Doing Life With Your Adult Children, Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, Jim shares nine principles for parents to consider as they do life with their adult kids. These principles aren't just ideas, they are proven practices, applied in the "lab-of- life" as Jim and his wife Cathy did life with their adult children. He shares what they've learned with the reader, with the hope of helping parents navigate the thorny complexities of parenting adult children.

I have spent the last several years researching this complex topic, listening to parents, and discussing these issues with parents and adult children alike. Cathy and I have lived out the principles in this book with our own family.
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My goal has been to write a book that is both hopeful and enlightening, practical and life changing. You’ll have to let me know what you think.
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~Jim Burns
* Taken from the Amazon selling page for Doing Life With Your Adult Children, Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out.

Looking for a few more marriage and parenting resources? Check out these additional titles from Jim Burns. Click on the book cover to learn more and buy your copy.

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Be sure to visit the BOOK SHELF, our grow library of resources for parenting, marriage, faith, and life. These are books that we have read, found to be incredibly helpful, and highly recommend. The library is always growing as we continue to learn as a individuals, as husband and wife, and as parents.

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Do your kids have a smartphone?

In March of 2013, the Pew Internet & American Life Project, said that "78 percent of young people, ages 12 to 17, now have cellphones. Nearly half of those are smartphones, a share that's increasing steadily..." as reported by the Huff Post, Tech page, in the March 12 post titled, "Teenagers Increasingly Use Smartphones To Access The Web: Report" 

That was then.

According to PEW Research article posted on January 5th, 2024, "nearly all U.S. teens say they use the internet every day (96%). And the share of teens who report being online “almost constantly” has roughly doubled since 2014-2015 (24% vs. 46%)." (Teens and Internet, Device Access Fact Sheet, Pew Research Center.) 

The capabilities of the smartphone are almost endless as manufacturers continue to discover new advancements in technology. With every release of a new phone, another huge step forward is taken. Like wise, mobile apps exist for just about everything. And if it doesn't exist now, it will tomorrow.

The smartphone is a great tool, when used wisely. But left to the natural devices of the teenage mind, the smartphone can be just a dangerous as an unmonitored computer. With powerful browsing capabilities and the internet access at their figure tips, you can search and view just about anything and everything on the web.

As parents, we should know what is on our child's phone. From the contacts in their address book, to the apps they've downloaded, to the sites they visit, we should be aware of everything and everywhere the phone goes. And just as we would check the browsing history on a desktop, we should be checking the browsing history on our kids smartphone.

As we work with students, parents, and families, we are often asked about cell phones and digital usage. Out of a concerned for how their kids use cell phones and devices, they're looking for suggestions. I shared with her these 4 thoughts.

5. Check Their History Regularly. With your settings and perimeters in place, make a point to check your kids phone regularly. Using the settings within the phone you can view recent browsing history and searches, as well as searches on social media platforms.  You should also scroll through their social media feeds to see the content that the algorithms are gathering and showing. And don't forget their email, including Junk Mail and the Trash.

Also be aware of the photos in their photo albums. New phones/devices now include deleted and hidden folders that require password or fingerprint/facial recognition. It sounds intrusive, but it is easier than ever before to access content that is not safe for kids.

We would love to say that these practices were enough to keep our kids safe. For as easy as it is to find questionable content, it's just as easy for others to send it to your kids. We've learned that perimeters, guidelines, and restrictions only go so far. To help your kids navigate the digital world, you must work on having open communication and persistence. Talk openly and honestly with your kids. Stay current with software updates and privacy settings. Talk and learn from other parents.

​It's okay to be a proactive parent. Knowing what your kids are doing when they are on their mobile devices is important. Policing where they've been and where the go, is good. There's nothing wrong with checking up and knowing what their doing online. Because, whether you realize it or not, someone else probably is. But that is a topic for another time.

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What do you think? We'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback. Share what you do and how you handle the issue of smartphones and internet usage with your kids. Got a couple of good ideas, share them in the comments for others to read and use. And as always, thanks for reading!

​- jay & amy

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​If your teens are anything like our teens, or the millions across the nation, they're probably attached to their cell phones and/or whatever electronic device they have. In many ways cell phones and iPods and tablets are super helpful and can be great tools if used properly. But when not used properly, your child's device can potentially open the door to all sorts or questionable and dangerous possibilities.

Now we don't want to jump on the bandwagon of trashing technology and and condemning app developers for what they're creating. Instead, we want to offer parents a little help and insight that could help you be a little more aware of what your kids are able to do with their devices.

First, full disclosure. We decided to give our kids their cell phones between the ages of 12 and 13. We chose this time because this was when our kids participated in school and club sports or activities. They would either stay after school, or we would drop them off somewhere for practice. The phone was a way of communicating with us about pick up times or schedule changes. Each kid started with a used or refurbished device. Once they were working, and could afford paying for they own device, they were able to upgrade to a newer phone.

Let me offer a few suggestions that we have implemented in our home.

1. Only You should have access to your app purchasing accounts.
If you are familiar with any app purchasing, you know you need an account that is linked to a credit card in order to purchase and download any app. In our house, there was one account for our app store and our kindle store, and Jay controlled it. Our kids did not have the password and could not purchase apps without parent approval. This simple step can eliminate many of the downloadable dangers run off the bat. In order for you child to download a desired app, they must come and ask you to do it. This leaves you in control of what's being downloaded.

3. Be Okay Saying, "NO".
Not all apps are good for your kids. In fact, many apps have age requirements or restrictions. These app settings are there to help protect kids. However, it's not hard to get around or bypass some of these settings. Be okay saying, NO, to apps that have suggested age restrictions, or apps that you are not comfortable with. We did not allow our kids to use certain social media apps because of age restrictions and of content concerns.

We've also found it helpful to explain why we might say, NO, to a particular app. Remember, as parents, one of our jobs is to help our kids learn how to make wise and healthy decisions. Just saying, NO, doesn't teach our kids. It's just, No. But when we teach and disciple our kids by explaining our reasons for saying, NO, we plant seeds of discernment, trust, integrity, and accountability. Over time, and with consistent use, these seeds will grow our kids into fruitful young men and women.

With all of this, you must also be able to talk with your kids about technology, the internet, social media, apps, streaming services, and the good and bad of all of it. Being able to have open communication with your kids, especially your pre-teens and teens, is super important. If you missed our post on cultivating communication with your kids, you can click the link below. It might be a helpful read.

Thanks for reading

- jay & amy