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Over the last couple of years we've talked openly about our kids growing up. It's a transition. To go from a family of seven, full of joy and activity and mess and chaos, to watching the kids leave the nest one after the other. And while it's part of the family experience, the process of raising and releasing your kids, it still comes with emotions and new realities. Some expected, some unexpected.

We just experienced 4 weeks of empty nesting. No kids. No commitments. No shuttling. No other people. Just us. And it was great!

So how did we get here?

​As you know, at the beginning of the year, we moved to Ohio to accept a new ministry role. This move left us in an unexpected place. With our oldest two already out of the house, we thought we'd have a little more time with our younger three. The move, however, forced some us to have to consider where some of the kiddo might land. Our youngest, still in high school, was obviously coming with us. But what about no. 3 and no. 4? What would they do?

It didn't take long to figure things out. Our no. 4 is getting married in August. This means he and his new bride would be moving into their own apartment after their honeymoon. And while the wedding wasn't a surprise, our move to Ohio was, and so was his choice to stay in West Virginia. As we moved to Ohio, he stayed in WV as he finished his first year of college. Then came the news that he and his bride-to-be had secured an apartment and he would be moving in on May 1st. 

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Shortly after,  no. 3, who had been working remotely in Florida, came home and said he had decided to move to Florida. It made sense. He had been doing longer and longer stretches of time in Florida. But the news still stung a bit. After a few weeks, he and a friend of his found an apartment and made plans to official "move out". 

That quick we went from a household of 5 to a household of 3. No. 3 and no. 4 were now leaving the nest.

No kids. Just us. So what did it look like?

​Surprisingly, it was great. Dinners for two. Quiet nights. Bike rides and evening walks. Shopping. Day trips. Dinners with friends. The flexibility. The freedom. It was really a nice time to reconnect with one another. Here are three observations from our empty nesting.

Early on in our pre-marital counseling, we determined that we wanted to be young empty nesters. That meant having children early so that when they left the house, we would be in a space where we could enjoy our time with our adult kids and their families. But the conversation wasn't just a counseling topic. over the years we have thought and talked about what life might look like when the kids were on their own and it was just the two of us in the house. Our hope has always been to experience and enjoy our empty nest years together. Part of our preparation for this is in maintaining a healthy marriage with proper priorities.

Priorities, you say? Do tell. As we raised our kids, we worked at keeping our marriage/relationship our main priority. This meant that we took time to date, go on trips, do conferences, read books, and foster a real desire to want to be together. We knew at some point, our kids would be out of the house, and it would be just the two of us again. What we didn't want, was to come to that place and find that we had become strangers living under the same roof. So we put in the work to continue growing our relationship so that when the time comes, we are still in love with each other.

When raising kids becomes your focus, it's easy to put aside your interests. I (Jay) remember hearing the question, "So what hobbies do you enjoy doing?" My response was usually something like, "I have five kids and a wife, and I'm in student ministry, I don't have time for hobbies." Right or wrong, my answer revealed a real problem. The family and my job became my focus, leaving little to no time to do things that were for me. The same was true for Amy. And worse, as a couple we found ourselves in need of activities that we could do together.

Fortunately, we discovered this little problem early. In fact, was during the Covid shuts downs that led us to have a couple conversations about how we might spend our time when it was just us, no kids. We needed hobbies. Individually and together. We needed outlets for rest, creativity, exercise, exploration, growth, and fun. So began the search for hobbies and activities that we could do on our own and together. It's partly why we have invested into our backyard farm. There are aspects of the journey that we each enjoy. Amy likes the flowers she plants in the gardens and in pots around the house. I like to work of the veggie garden and caring for the animals. Together we enjoy canning, freezing, dry and preserving what we grow. But we're also exploring interests such as kayaking, hiking, and visiting small towns. We enjoy finding great places to eat and unique stores to shop.

We're not empty nesters yet, but when we are, we want to know that there will be plenty of things for us to do on our own and together.

One of the big things we learned while in our 5 week empty-nesting season was a need for friends. While we love spending time together, we often found ourselves wishing we had another couple of two to hang out with. Whether a dinner party, or out to a restaurant, or just hanging out in the backyard around a fire pit, we learned that we want to be able to call on other couples to have fun with.

In the coming year, we plan on doing just that. By meeting and developing new relationships with friends, our hope is to be able to have a slightly larger circle of friends to spend some time with.

​If you already have a healthy circle of friends to call on, great! Enjoy going to dinner, hanging out, and enjoying time together.

The empty nest is bound to happen. At some point, your kids will moving out. And you and your spouse will be left to figure out what life looks like with just the two of you. Our encouragement is this, don't wait till it's just the two of you to begin thinking about the two of you. Plan ahead. Have the conversations now about what you want that season of life to look like. Then, begin working towards those goals.

- jay and amy

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Kids, work, calendars, careers, commitments, community activities, sports, chores; the list goes on and on. Out of 24 hours in a day, it feels like 20 of them are booked with something to do. Sometimes, no matter how hard we might try to not be so overly scheduled, it simply creeps in. Maintaining balance is difficult and sometimes nearly impossible.

​We've had our share of busy seasons. Week on week on week of activities, appointments, sporting events, and work commitments. But in the midst of the busyness, we have come to learn that making time too reconnect is something we can't afford to do without.

​We have a pretty good relationship. It's not always easy and we haven't mastered everything yet, but what we realize is just how important it is that we spend time together. We are convinced that part of our success as husband and wife comes from our commitment to make sure we connect in very intentional ways.

​When we were a very young couple, the months we spent engaged and the early months that followed as newly weds, it was impressed upon us that we needed to commit to making time for one another. Now you might think, "Well, as newly weds, spending time together is a no brainer." And yes, that might be true. But the commitment goes beyond learning to live together as husband and wife. That commitment is the foundation that leads to a habit of using our time wisely; taking control of our lives, our time, and our marriage before the busyness of life takes over.

We think there are a few things that couples must strive for as they think about their relationship and the longevity of their marriage. ​

​We believe, very deeply, that a life without Jesus is not life, it's just walking through death to death. Jesus Christ came, lived and died that we might have LIFE (John 10:10). The enemy is bent on destroying the human soul and he would love nothing more but to see marriages crushed and destroyed because husbands and wives allow the busyness of life to separate and break their union.

But a couple who commits to making God their center, their focus; is a couple who takes a stand against what the evil one sets out to destroy. We have worked to keep God at the center of our marriage. For us, He is the foundation for everything; our faith, our marriage, our family, our hopes, our dreams, our future. It all rests on Him! Through prayer, reading and studying the Bible, and through worship we seek to know Him more; to live for Him and not ourselves, to bring Him glory and honor. Sometimes our focus is individual as we work on our own relationships with God through personal quiet times, prayer, and study. And sometimes it's as a couple as we pray together, read a book together, attend a conference or worship together. But either way, our goal is to share in a relationship that allows for spiritual growth.

But it's not all talking. You see, you have to listen too. Marriage isn't just about what you want or what you what to say. It's about what your spouse wants and has to say. Learning to listen to your spouse is a skill that both must learn and master. When we learn to listen, we discover the heart, hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, and desires of our spouse. These are special treasures; gifts that provide us as husband and wife with real opportunities to share and express our love. Take the time to learn how to listen, as much as you want to talk.

We were created to have sex. And as husbands and wives, in committed marriages, we should be having sex. A LOT OF SEX! GREAT SEX! PASSIONATE, INTENSE SEX! Sex with your spouse should be a priority. If you want a great marriage, a healthy, make sure your are making sex part of it. 

​(We have a lot more to say about sex and marriage, so watch for future posts on this topic.)

As you navigate through the busyness of life as husband and wife, you must recognize the need to spend time with one another. Not just sitting on the sofa watching TV together, but intentional time spent knowing God, talking and listening, and enjoying the beautiful intimacy of a passionate sex life. After all, when was the last time you sat down with your wife to really do an of those three things you just read about? We promise, if you stop and make the time both you, and your spouse will benefit from it in ways you may never have imagined.

So what are you doing tonight? Why not find out where your spouse is in the house. Go to them. Convince them to stop whatever they're doing. And take them some place where it's just the two of you. Ask them if they think you are spending enough time together. And then suggest you set aside some time each week to pray and read/study God's Word, to talk and listen, and to maybe heat up things in the bedroom. You might be surprised at their response.

One word of caution. Husbands, don't start with the more sex card. And wives, ease into the talking and listening. You see, more sex by itself doesn't make a marriage stronger, neither does more talking.  It's only out of a willingness to surrender to God's lead in your life that you will see God strengthen your marriage and your relationship with your spouse. 

​- jay & amy

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Talk to just about any Christian marriage counselor, speaker, or voice of a family-focused ministry and you will hear them say, "Date your spouse." Read just about any marriage book, or marriage focused devotional and again you will come across phrasing like, "Date your spouse." And it's a great idea. We get the reasons and philosophy behind those words. Husbands and wives need to be intentionally working on their relationship, and the date night is one of the ways they often suggest as a tool to do that.
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But whenever we listen to someone speaking about setting aside regular time to date your spouse, we always feel like we fail in this area. We hear them say things like, 'set aside one or two nights a month,' or 'plan a getaway weekend every couple of months,' or 'you should set aside one night each week to check in and spend time together." And that's great. We love and support those kinds of encouragement, because we would love to do that very thing. But the reality is, with five kids and two jobs, making plans for a regular weekly date night is incredibly difficult. In a larger family nothing is regular.

We don't know about you, but we look forward to the time when we can go out to dinner together on a regular basis. We dream of the day when we can slip away for a romantic weekend. And we can't wait for the season of life when we can just sit down at the end of the day and enjoy being in each others company. However, this is not that season and there is no slipping away anytime in the near future. So while we value the idea and need for the "Date" night, how do you do it while treading water in the ocean of family busyness?

Dating your spouse can be a tough. The dinners out, movie nights, or weekend getaways, are a little more challenging to make happen. But don't give up on the idea. Instead, get a little creative. Dating your spouse doesn't have to be something you do only at night. Date her during the day.

​Take your spouse to lunch. Go for a drive. Go grocery shopping. Catch a matinee. Go for a walk in a local park. Share in the yard work together. Paint a room in your house. Binge watch a favorite TV program. (More ideas on creative dates coming soon in a future post.)

Now we get that not every one has the flexibility in their job or schedule to take their spouse out to lunch or spend a day together, but hear us out. With a little bit of creative planning, you can enjoy a day with your spouse.

If you have freedom to meet your spouse somewhere for lunch, you should definitely take advantage of the flexibility. Plan to meet at a local restaurant during the lunch hour. It's a great way to break up your day and spend time with your wife. And, if you are in a career where lunch meetings are "part of the job," having lunch with your spouse is a great way to avoid the jealousy of you always eating in restaurants. (Wifes, especially busy moms don't always get the opportunities to have good food and conversation with other adults. So this could be a big win for both of you.)
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If you don't have the freedom to go out to lunch, schedule 'a come in for lunch.' For a while, Jay worked a job that gave me only a 30 minute lunch break. On top of that, he wasn't able to go out, or away from the workplace. In this situation do lunch a little differently. On a number of occasions Amy brought Jay lunch and we shared it in our car. Yeah, it might not be the best way to do it, but it worked.

The freedom in how you do dating is there for you. Whatever your situation, why not try to schedule a couple mid-day dates with your spouse. Whether you meet at a restaurant, pack a lunch, run errands or head home for a bit, discover the value and gift in the mid-day dating. It really is a great alternative to the busy schedules that prevent the traditional night out date. The point is, be intentional in spending time with your spouse. 

- jay & amy

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​- repost -

Loving your spouse is a given in marriage, right? We say we love our spouse. We believe our spouse loves us. But how does that love manifest itself in the day-to-day? What does it look like for love to become more than just a word and more of an action?

A number of years ago, a Facebook friend shared an article that suggested some things to help a wife love husband. The original post was from 2018 and titled, "20 things you should be doing for hubby on a regular basis" written by, Becky Squire. The article has since been removed but the idea still lingers.

I read the list of 20 items and I have to say, as a husband, yeah, these things would be great. A number of the items on the list I totally agree with. I think that practicing many of them would lead to a stronger relationship, and perhaps a deeper intimacy. But as I thought more about the list, my thoughts turned from their focus on the list and more to the thought that both husbands and wives need to be reminded that love is more than an expression of words, but also an expression of actions.

This is true of everyone, including my marriage. It is so easy for us to forget to do the simple things that show our spouses love. We get so caught up in the calendar and schedules, the needs of the kids, the things for work and career, issues at church and within ministry, projects and chores around the house...the list goes on and on. And as it goes on and on and on, we focus less and less on the one that mean and needs the most to us and from us.