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We have been blessed to have the privilege of raising up 5 kids. Our oldest was born in 1998. Our youngest, 2008. We have loved raising our kids. Every aspect, from holding them as babies, to watching them learn to walk and talk, to starting school, to graduating high school. Everything. Every bit of every minute of raising our kids. We love it.
But not too many years ago, our oldest crossed over into adulthood. Shortly after that, No.2. More recently No.4 turned 18. That's 4 of the 5, now adults. The oldest lives on his own, has a great job, and is doing well. No.2, is married, has a great job, has 2 kids, and he and his wife are doing great. No.3 also has a really good job, has an amazing puppy, and is building his life. No.4 is 18, just graduated from high school, is preparing for college, and is excited about the future. And just so we're not leaving anyone out, No.5 will soon turn 16, and is doing great in high school. The point is, we have moved from a place of raising little kids to now doing life with our adult (or almost adult) kids! The difference? With little kids, you are the parent. You're the on in control. With adult kids, you are just the parent. Adult kids like to make their own decisions, choose for themselves, and live how they want to live. With little kids you are the smart one; you have all the answers. Your stories are interesting and funny. Your counsel and advice is needed. With adult kids, they're the smart ones. They have all the answers. Your stories are just that, stories. And your counsel and advice...it's unsolicited, unwanted, and often unwelcome. So what do you do? You still want to to encourage and counsel, you still want what's best for them. But how do you parent when your adult kids no longer welcome your parenting?
As parents we might ask questions such as...
In his book, Doing Life With Your Adult Children, Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, Jim shares nine principles for parents to consider as they do life with their adult kids. These principles aren't just ideas, they are proven practices, applied in the "lab-of- life" as Jim and his wife Cathy did life with their adult children. He shares what they've learned with the reader, with the hope of helping parents navigate the thorny complexities of parenting adult children.
I have spent the last several years researching this complex topic, listening to parents, and discussing these issues with parents and adult children alike. Cathy and I have lived out the principles in this book with our own family.
My goal has been to write a book that is both hopeful and enlightening, practical and life changing. You’ll have to let me know what you think. ~Jim Burns * Taken from the Amazon selling page for Doing Life With Your Adult Children, Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out.
additional resources from Jim Burns
Looking for a few more marriage and parenting resources? Check out these additional titles from Jim Burns. Click on the book cover to learn more and buy your copy.
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Visit the Book Shelf
Be sure to visit the BOOK SHELF, our grow library of resources for parenting, marriage, faith, and life. These are books that we have read, found to be incredibly helpful, and highly recommend. The library is always growing as we continue to learn as a individuals, as husband and wife, and as parents.
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With each week, the series gets better and better.
Let's watch week 5 together... questions to consider
Read Galatians 2:11-14 & Matthew 18:15-17.
What stood out to you in the sermon this week and what did God reveal to you in the Scriptures, maybe for the first time? Share a time where you acted against your values because you were around a certain group of people and a time when you maintained your integrity. What does the exchange between Paul & Peter in Galatians 2:11-14 and the advice in Matthew 18:15-17 show us about how believers should handle conflict? Read Matthew 7:1-6. How do we know when to talk to our brothers or sisters when they are out of step with the truth of the gospel? In-Group Reflection Time: Who do you give permission to point out when you are out of step with the truth of the gospel? Take 5 minutes right now to sit quietly and:
ACTION STEP A Disciple...Loves All People, Discovers Identity in Jesus, Deepens Relationship with Jesus
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I've always be intrigued with the idea of have a garden. Growing something. Watching it mature. Harvesting the produce. Enjoying the fruits of my labors. But it's more than just the end product. Yes, the goal is to produce something of benefit. In a flower garden, flowers to cut and enjoy. In a vegetable garden, fresh cucumbers, tomatoes, or zucchini to eat. Most of us start a garden to grow what we love. But I think it's more that just the flowers and the vegetables. There's a process, a discipline if you will, of taking something from a simple seed and bringing it to a mature productive plant.
I started my first garden in 1997. We had moved from our 2 bedroom apartment to our first home. It didn't have much of a yard, something around 150 square feet, maybe. There was a small strip of grass and a pathway to the rear gate. There was a large, mature tree in the corner, and small flower beds along the party wall fence we shared with our neighbors. The flower bed contained a few shrubs and flowers, planted by the previous owners. That first year I started with something simple, tomatoes and cucumbers, if I remember correctly. It wasn't much. I don't even remember if we harvested anything. But I tried.
It might not have been a very successful garden. It might not have been big enough to all it a garden. But it was an opportunity to try something new. And I always leaned towards a "country/farming" way of life. Growing up in Philadelphia, we spent many of our summers in Lancaster county. My parents had an RV, so we did a lot of camping. Lancaster became a home away from home.
Of course when we first started visiting, the area was abundant with farms. The Amish and the Mennonites, were everywhere. Horse drawn buggies and little kids peddling bikes with bare feet was a regular sight. But the farms with their smells and sights and sounds drew me in and planted the seeds of a different way of life. And from as early as I can remember, this city boy longed for a country home. 
With each house we've lived, we've planted a small vegetable garden along with landscaping. Flowers and plants to beautify the property. Colorful. Sweet smelling. Amy always does a great job of choosing plants that look great and go well together.
But here's the thing. The work, yeah, it's work. It takes time. There's sweat. It's getting up early and going to bed late. You get dirty. Gardens don't take care of themselves. You have to put in the effort to get to the reward.
For as long as we have been growing gardens, it's the growing that always amazes me. Watching something go from a dry, dormant seed to a vegetable that we pick, then eat, is incredible. And it happens so fast.
Each morning I go out to the garden, I'm excited to see what's grown. The tomatoes are an inch taller. The pumpkin vines are larger. The cucumbers are bigger. The peppers are changing colors. It's growth. It's awesome. 
It's a picture of discipleship. For a garden to grow, it must cultivated and cared for. You have to water it, weed it, prune it, and trim it. The same is true of our faith journey. To grow in our faith, we have to water it, weed it, prune it, trim it. We have to care for our faith. Be in the Word. Be committed to prayer. Participate in a bible study or a small group. Go to worship. Be part of a missions trip or service opportunity. Be connected with believers who will encourage you in your faith. These habits help your faith grow.
But even more, discipleship is what you do with other believers. When I worked with students, I would define discipleship as, "doing life together." It's not just knowing other believers, it's knowing about other believers. It's a relationship that you grow as you get to know one another. And as that relationship grows, so does the opportunity for discipleship.
Yesterday, July 4th, 2024, marked the two year anniversary of our Dad's passing. We gathered on July 18th, 2022, to remember and say goodbye. I (jay) had the opportunity to speak at the service. I've been sitting on this post for two years. I had initially planned to share it on the one year anniversary, but I think we were getting ready for a week of summer camp or something. As I sat, early on Thursday morning, I started thinking about my dad and what I've been missing since his passing. Then I remembered what I shared at the memorial. I found the file and read through it. For the last two years we've paused to remember his passing. We post what we miss. We post silly thoughts about what he might be doing. And we feel the pain and grieve the loss all over again. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but with all that we think we're missing because of his absence, there is something truly worth celebrating. Dad lived with hope. He knew the One who gave hope. No, he's not playing football. He's not looking down on us, watching us. He's not waiting for us to join him. He is in the presence of his Savior; worshiping his Creator and Redeemer. Today, I'm sharing what was shared on Monday, July 18th, 2022. I share to remember and incredible man who lived out his faith in how he served, who loved his family deeply, and always pointed his kids to the One who gives us hope.  Celebration of Life for Dad - Monday, July 18, 2022 Good afternoon. On behalf of mom, Andrew, Rebecca, Joshua, and the entire Higham family, I want to thank you for joining with us as we say goodbye to dad. We greatly appreciate your support, prayers, and presence with us today. In fact, we would love for you to join us after the cemetery, as we gather at The Grey Stone restaurant in Newtown. For a time of visiting, storytelling, and fellowship. Over the last couple of days, we’ve had some time to process dad’s leaving. It’s a little weird really. It’s been 2 weeks. I think when most lose a loved one, it’s just a matter of a couple of days, you’re gathering with family and friends to say goodbye. With two weeks, you have some time to stop and think. As we talked about this day, I don’t think any of us really wanted to get up here and do this. But as I thought about what to say, I started to wonder, what would be the best way to celebrate and remember dad. We could go the way of the historical timeline and highlight things like, mom and dad have know each since they were 7. They grew up together, attended church together, and hung out with the same group of friends. We could say that they were married for 49 years, raised four kids, and endured the “for richer or poorer, and the in sickness and in health.” We could highlight the fact that dad was a Navy man, a Webelo leader, and liked country music. That’s a good way to go, but there would be too many facts to account for.  Then I thought, let’s go the funny route, and share a few laughable moments like the secret of the jelly donut. Growing up, we had a Dunkin move into the neighborhood. Of course back then they were called Dunkin Donuts. On the weekends mom or dad would send us to get donuts. Now, you wanted to be the one to get the donuts, because you were then able to pick your favorite kind of donuts. The order usually included Boston Cremes, Chocolate Frosted, Sprinkled, Glazed, a couple crullers, and at least 2 jelly-filled donuts. Why 2 jelly-filled donuts? Because the jelly-filled were dad’s favorite, right? Well, so we thought. It wasn’t till a couple of years ago, while sitting around the table did we learn that no, jelly-filled donuts were not dad’s favorite. No, dad ate the jelly donuts because they were the donuts that were left after we ate the good ones. Funny stories, there are quite a few, but there’s no way we could remember and share all of them.  We could talk about hero dad. Yes, our dad was a hero. How about the time we were on a bus with a bunch of scouts heading to an amusement park, when the brakes went out on the bus. The driver didn’t have enough power to apply brakes manually. So Dad, having his bus license recognized the problem and immediately jumped into action. He hurdled the seats like Superman, grabbing the wheel of the bus and slamming his foot down on the brake pedal, bringing the bus to a safe and secure stop, saving us, and all the kids and families on the bus. Yes, dad was a hero.  Then there were the adventures. Summers spent at Four Brooks Camp and Conference, trips to the beach, various amusement parks, the big family trip to Williamsburg VA, and Oak Creek Campground. Yes, camping, a sweet season for our family. It started when mom and dad bought a matching Chevy station wagon and Coleman pop-up from Bishop Richies. Oh, the possibilities that each weekend offered. We started at a place called, Schlegles Grove, with our Aunt Judy and her family. But it was Oak Creek Campground, in Bowmansville, PA that became our home away from home. Mom would spend the day getting ready; the shopping, the cleaning, the packing. Dad would come home from work, pull the car up to the front of the house, come inside, get a drink, head to his room, and get changed. We would load up the car, get in our seats, and by the time dad came down the stairs, we were ready to go. Goodbye city, hello Lancaster Co. We spent years going to Oak Creek, and yeah, there were some great adventures along the way. But as I thought about all of these great memories, there was one thing that kept coming back to me, and that was dad’s faith. Now if you knew dad, you knew he was a gruff kind’a guy. He often spoke his mind and didn’t really think about what he was saying or who he was saying to. And many times over, he offended people. I don’t know if that was something his father passed down to him, or if it was just the way dad was. But despite all of that, dad loved Jesus. Now, Dad wasn’t one to talk a lot about his faith out loud. It was a faith better shown in how he served at church. Dad was super involved in the life of the church, both locally and across the denomination. He showed up, every week. If it was Sunday, we were at the church. If we were out of town and it was Sunday, we still went to church. Church was an important part of our lives. But it wasn’t until dad made a particular statement, that I saw how important his faith was to him. I don’t remember to context, the how or the why it came up. But I remember dad saying something like this to us, “You have one Father, and he is in heaven. I am just your dad, but God is your Father.” You see, dad knew his place, and he knew who to point us to. Dad pointed us to the one who gives us hope. The Apostle Paul, writes a reminder of why this hope is so important. In 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 we read these words.
You see, there are those who when facing the reality of death, see it with no hope. There is loss. There is pain. There is emptiness. And so the grief is great, because they have no hope. What is this hope? Well, it’s not a hope like, “Man, I really hope the Eagles get to another Super Bowl.” I mean, come on, we all hope that happens, but… No, this hope is wrapped up in what has already happened. For those who have hope, our hope is in who Jesus is and what he accomplished. Jesus bore the shame and guilt of our sin, and died on a cross for us. Then they took his body, laid it in a tomb, and three days later, God raised him from the grave. Jesus took our sin. He took our place. He died. But he lives again. And because he lives, we now know that death is not the end, but the beginning of eternity with Jesus. This is our hope. Dad knew this hope. And he wanted to make sure we knew that hope as well. And while he might not have said it, I think he would want you to know that hope too. Dad was never one who liked it when others fussed over him. But I think he would love it if one day, we all showed up, together in heaven, with jelly-filled donuts, and celebrated the fact that like him, we were able to put our hope in Jesus. I don’t presume to know you or where you are or what you think as you consider where you will be when you die. But the Bible tells us that there is life after death. Jesus made it possible for us to know him and to know that we can be with him always. Today, if you would like to know the hope that we share in knowing, it would be an honor to sit with you and introduce you to Jesus. Just come and talk with me, my wife Amy, or pastor David. Dad, thanks for everything. We’ll see you soon. 
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Welcome back for week 4's message from Pastor Joby. We're walking through the book of Galatians, taking line by line, learning what it means to BE FREE. Let's jump into the message. When you're done watching or listening, consider the taking a few minutes to look at the prepared questions below.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
Read Galatians 2:1-10 and Acts 14:21-15:19. What stood out to you in the sermon this week and what did God reveal to you in the Scriptures, maybe for the first time?
What are some church traditions that have impacted your view of the character of God or your view of the church or church people? What are some church traditions that might make it difficult for others to feel like they are welcomed in the church? How do we balance Christian unity without compromising on truth? What authorities have influence in your life that is shaping you? Authority is often seen as restrictive and negative in our Western culture, but Scripture shows us Jesus models submission to authority (John 5:19&30). How does submission to authority as believers actually lead us to freedom and not away from it? ACTION STEP A Disciple...Loves All People, Discovers Identity in Jesus, Deepens Relationship with Jesus Both Paul and Peter were entrusted by God to preach to specific groups v.7. Titus was brought by Paul as an example of freedom who embraced Christ and was transformed without any of the Jewish traditions of the day. If you don’t already have one, pray and ask God to reveal the "One More" with whom He has entrusted you to share the gospel, and begin praying for them daily. |
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